The Bluff

So I walk in the house after work—right?—and he’s sittin’ at the kitchen table eatin’ sardines on a cracker and drinkin’ a RC.

“I got good news for you” he says.

Anyways, I’m gittin’ outa my coat and gittin’ ready to put the groceries away, and sorta waitin’ for him to go on, you know.  I didn’ say “What’s the news” or anything like that ‘cause, you know, whenever anybody starts out like that—“I got good news” or somethin’ like that, you know they’re gonna say somethin’ or tell you somethin’ or somethin’ fer God’s sake.

So finally I just stopped and looked at him and he says, “I’m stayin”.

There was this long quiet y’know?  Me waitin’ and puttin’ groceries away and the only sounds is the paper bags rattlin’ and the cabinet doors clickin’ shut.  I didn’t say nothin’ ‘cause I didn’t know what the hell he was talkin” about ‘cause nobody’d said anything about anybody leavin’.

Well, so I finish puttin’ stuff away and everthang—put the Velveeta an’ the pop in the Fridaire door and, when I was done, I turned and looked at him and just as I did, he looked right at me an’ sez, “But the dog ain’t”.  You’re gonna have to git rid of the dog.

I’m tellin’ you Charlene, I didn’t know whether to shit or go blind.  You know that little Swiss coo-coo clock that Jimmy brought back from when they sent him overseas?  The one with the little girl in the blue gingham dress an’ the little boy with the short leather pants and a waterin’ can and he bends over at the waist and waters this little flower when the clock goes off?  Well, right then that thing went off and I come so close to throwin’ that at him that it wasn’t funny but I didn’t cause it’s genuine Swiss and I’d never get another’n and anyways, Jimmy give it to me.

Anyways, for a second I couldn’t say anything.  Finally I says, “What d’you mean?” “That dog was your idea.  You said it’d keep me company while you was drivin that damned coal truck and  it does, and I spent all this time trainin’ it to sit up an’ it does, and to give you its paw and it does, and the only exercise I ever get is walkin’ it and besides I like it.  That dog ain’t goin nowhere.”

So he says, “The dog goes” and I say, “The dog stays”, and he says, “I’m your husband and either the dog goes or I go”.

Anyway, that’s the reason for the “room for rent” sign.